Most husbands and wives would say there are differences between them. Some are glaring, irritating or divisive. What do we do with them?
The Challenge
You enjoy sports; your spouse would rather read. You are meticulous and efficient; your spouse is quite disorganized. You love to socialize; your spouse prefers privacy.
‘We just aren’t compatible!’ you tell yourself. ‘Why didn’t we notice that when we were dating?’
Likely you did notice it, at least to a degree. But back then you were probably quicker to make concessions—a skill that you would do well to revive, now that you are married. This article will help you do that. First, though, consider some facts about supposed incompatibilities.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
Some differences are serious. A big part of dating is determining compatibility. Hence, when serious differences are discovered while dating, many couples break up rather than unwisely entering into a polarized marriage. But what about less serious differences—the kind that are unavoidable in any marriage?
No two people are completely alike. Therefore, it is normal for spouses to have differences in one or more of the following areas:
Interests. “Outdoor activities have never appealed to me,” says a wife named Anna,* “but my husband grew up climbing snowy mountains and trekking for days through the bush.”
Habits. “My wife can stay up late at night and still jump up at 5:00 a.m., but I need seven to eight hours of sleep or else I get grumpy,” says a husband named Brian.
Traits. You might be reserved, while your spouse is expressive. “I grew up not talking about my personal problems,” says a husband named David, “but my wife came from a family where everything was discussed openly.”
Differences can be beneficial. “My way might be good, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way,” says a wife named Helena.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Be supportive. A husband named Adam says: “My wife Karen has zero interest in sports. But she has come with me to several games and has even cheered along with me. On the other hand, Karen loves art museums, so I go with her, and we spend as much time there as she wants. I do my best to show an interest in art because it’s important to her.”—Bible principle: 1 Corinthians 10:24.
Expand your view. Your spouse’s outlook on things is not necessarily wrong just because it is different from yours. That is a lesson that a husband named Alex learned. “I always felt that a straight line is the shortest way from point A to point B and that any other choice would be deficient,” he says. “But being married has helped me to realize that there are many ways to get from A to B and that each method is effective in its own way.”—Bible principle: 1 Peter 5:5.
Be realistic. Being compatible does not mean being identical. So do not conclude that your marriage was a mistake simply because a few differences have become evident. “Lots of people fall back on ‘I was blinded by love,’” says the book The Case Against Divorce. However, “every day you spent together happy,” continues the book, “shows that despite whatever innate differences you have, you can love each other.” Try to “continue putting up with one another . . . even if anyone has a cause for complaint.”—Colossians 3:13.
Try this: Write down what you like, love, and find compatible about your spouse. Then write down the things that you find incompatible. You may find that your differences are less serious than you think. The list will also reveal where you can be more tolerant or supportive of your spouse. “I appreciate it when my wife adjusts to me, and I know she appreciates it when I adjust to her,” says a husband named Kenneth. “Even if it means a sacrifice on my part, seeing her happy makes me happy.”—Bible principle: Philippians 4:5.
KEY SCRIPTURES
“Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.”—1 Corinthians 10:24.
“Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another.”—1 Peter 5:5.
Transformation Radio Show-Take Off the Boxing Gloves! Mari and her husband Rob, share how they have taken off the boxing gloves in marriage and have successful conflict resolution. They share some practical ways and tips that can help every couple.
Rob and I used The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make during our pre-marital counseling. Authors Bill and Pam Farrel asked couples to list the best traits of their long-term marriages. Here are a few that were repeated amongst the surveys: We make room for each other. We maintain Continue reading Marriage with Mari: Top Traits of Happily Married Couples→
A recent study suggests couples are happier when they attend church together. 78% of couples attending church together expressed they are very happy or extremely happy with their relationship. Here are 10 reasons for attending church as a couple.
Most husbands and wives would say there are differences between them. Some are glaring, irritating or divisive. What do we do with them? The Challenge You enjoy sports; your spouse would rather read. You are meticulous and efficient; your spouse is quite disorganized. You love to socialize; your spouse prefers privacy. ‘We just aren’t Continue reading Marriage with Mari: Dealing With Differences in Marriage→
Resolution and reconciliation can’t occur if one or both parties are agitated, angry, crying, yelling, accusing, shut down or defensive. REFUSE TO FIGHT IN THE FLESH. It is an invitation from the enemy to be a weapon of destruction, rather than a minister of reconciliation. Take a time out. When you at the height of Continue reading Marriage with Mari: Conflict Resolution Tip #8: Don’t Feed the Fire!→
Kindness in a marriage goes a long way, especially when there is a conflict or difficult issue to deal with. It is difficult when there is hurt, anger or bitterness. Kindness is a choice and modeled to us in I Cor. 13. ” Love is kind.”
DECEMBER 31, 2020 During those moments when your spouse is acting rude, can you extend grace in spite of how they’re showing up? Can you protect your marriage by not reacting or not engaging in an unkind way? A challenging moment “Will you help me move a chair in my office?” my wife, Erin, asked Continue reading Marriage with Mari: EXTEND GRACE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE BEHAVES BADLY→
In marriage it is important to keep short accounts. Learn to forgive quickly. Don’t keep a long list of wrongs. Nothing will erode your marriage more than building layers and layers of unforgiveness and bitterness. It will affect the relationship with your spouse because every time he does something wrong you will Continue reading Marriage with Mari: Keep Short Accounts→
Relationships are an integral part of lives. Whether with a spouse, employer, child or a friend. They can have a great impact on our emotional, physical and spiritual health. Here are some ways to see if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy:
A controlling person is someone who is demanding, has to be right, blames others for their problems or refuses to take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and words. They make those around feel small, embarrassed, or humiliated. A controlling person and allowing a controlling person in your marriage is not God’s will for a healthy Continue reading Marriage with Mari: Are You Controlling?→